The Family That Wasn’t Mine

I met Maddie in kindergarten.

That feels weird to say now because when somebody has been in your life that long, it’s hard to even remember the part before them.

We became best friends pretty much immediately.

And then her family came with her.

Her older sister, Erin, became one of the most important people in my life. Her mom, Laura, was basically another mom to me. And then there was her older brother, Jake, who I obviously thought was hot because he was older and quiet and mysterious and apparently that was enough for me.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time at their house.

From kindergarten through elementary school, I was constantly sleeping over there.

Erin would pick us up from school sometimes and take us to the pond. We’d run around outside, roll around in the grass, do whatever kids do when they have absolutely nowhere important to be.

Laura made us shower every day.

I hated that shit.

I remember thinking it was so unnecessary.

Now I’m like, actually, thank you.

She used to take us to the dollar movie theater too. We’d sit through two or three movies in one day and get Subway.

And she made this spaghetti with turkey meat that was so good I still remember it.

Those are the things I think about when I think about them.

Nothing dramatic.

Just regular stuff.

And maybe that’s why they mattered so much.

Their house felt normal.

If something was happening at mine, I could call them.

If there was a fight, somebody would come get me.

They knew my parents. They knew what my home life could be like. I didn’t have to give them some giant explanation every time something went wrong.

They already knew me.

Maddie wasn’t really just my friend.

She was my sister in every way except technically.

We stayed close for years.

Middle school, high school, all of it.

Obviously we weren’t attached at the hip forever. We got older. We had different friends and different things going on.

But it never felt like we stopped being us.

There was a girl in tech theater who started beating me up one day, and I basically just stood there and took it.

Maddie stopped her.

Then another time Maddie cut her hand on one of the saws in class. I took her to the office and stayed with her.

I remember Laura thanking me afterward for being there.

And I remember that meaning something to me because Maddie and I weren’t even super close at that exact point.

But it didn’t matter.

I was still going to be there.

That was just how it was.

Then drugs got involved.

And honestly, this is where the story gets complicated.

The first time I ever did meth was with Jake.

I went to their apartment and we did it in the bathroom.

That was it.

First time.

Eventually Erin found out and she was pissed.

Really pissed.

The ironic part is that eventually Erin and I were both using drugs.

Not Maddie.

Not Laura.

But the older siblings and I had gotten into things we probably should’ve never been anywhere near.

And I was not a pleasant person when I wanted drugs.

I could manipulate people.

I would say whatever I needed to say.

I would guilt people.

I would find a way.

I’m not proud of that, but it happened.

One night when I was around sixteen, I ended up in this RV behind somebody’s house.

I smoked meth there.

Later I ended up shooting meth, heroin, and GHB.

They missed my vein and I remember it burning.

After that, most of the night is gone.

I remember coloring at some point.

I remember passing out.

Then I woke up next to Jake.

Nothing happened between us.

His girlfriend had left and we had apparently just passed out next to each other.

I remember waking up and immediately being like, what the fuck am I doing?

I wanted out of there.

I think we smoked more before going to a laundromat, which honestly sounds exactly as depressing as it was.

Eventually I had to ask somebody for money for an Uber because I just wanted to leave.

I went to another friend’s house after that.

I don’t know what to call that night.

It wasn’t exactly when everything started.

But it was definitely one of those moments where my life had moved into something darker and I knew it.

Around that same period, Erin started getting worse with drugs.

And I noticed.

I was scared for her.

So I told Laura and Maddie what she was doing.

That caused a lot of problems.

Erin was furious at me.

And honestly, I get it.

I was using too.

It probably felt like I was exposing her while doing the exact same shit myself.

But I wasn’t trying to get her in trouble.

I thought she was going to die.

That was literally it.

If I could go back, I’d still tell them.

I’d rather have somebody hate me and be alive.

After that, things between us never really went back to what they were.

But they didn’t completely disappear either.

Maddie still came through for me.

When I was living in a really bad situation, I called her and she came and got me.

There were times I called her panicking because of drugs.

She still answered.

She was still Maddie.

The last time I remember all of us being together and it just feeling good, I was with my boyfriend at the time.

We went out to eat and had some drinks.

Laura came.

Nobody was fighting.

Nobody was on some crazy mission.

Nobody was rescuing anybody.

We were just hanging out.

And I remember thinking it was nice.

That sounds so small, but I think that’s why I remember it.

Then I started getting bad again.

And eventually Maddie stopped answering me.

Not in some dramatic, block-you-everywhere way.

She just slowly stopped responding.

That hurt.

It still does.

Erin and I were still in and out of each other’s lives.

She went to jail at one point and we talked while she was there.

Later, when I got back on meth, I sent her a completely fucked-up message.

I told her to give me her dealer’s information or I was going to go find somebody on the side of the road.

She had just gotten sober.

That was selfish as fuck.

I knew it the next day too.

I apologized.

But I also know saying sorry doesn’t mean somebody has to forget you put them in that position.

Then my mom died.

And somehow Erin and I ended up together again.

She worked at P.F. Chang’s, which is funny because I had helped get her that job years earlier when she needed work.

I went up there so she could get me a vape.

She drove me home afterward and we talked.

She told me she’d always be there for me.

And I believed her.

Because no matter how weird our relationship had gotten over the years, she had been part of my life forever.

Then after that, things changed again.

I don’t really know why.

I have guesses.

I think somebody might have said something to her.

Maybe not.

Maybe she was just done.

I honestly don’t know.

But Erin stopped responding too.

And by then Maddie already had.

That was pretty much the end of it.

And I think the reason this loss is so hard for me is because I can see both sides of it.

I understand why they might have needed space from me.

I was doing drugs.

I was chaotic.

I made bad choices.

I put people in uncomfortable positions.

There are things I did that I would absolutely change.

But I also know that these were people who knew me before any of that.

They knew what my parents were like.

They knew what was happening in my house.

They had been the people who came and got me when things went bad.

And that’s where some of the hurt comes in.

Because I watched them give my parents chance after chance.

They still worked with them.

Still talked to them.

Still kept some kind of relationship with them.

And eventually I felt like I was the one who got cut off.

Maybe there were reasons for that.

I know there were.

But emotionally, it still felt unfair.

That’s the part I’ve never really been able to explain without sounding like I’m trying to make myself the victim.

I’m not.

I hurt people too.

I know that.

I just also loved them.

A lot.

And I think I always assumed that because we had been family for so long, we’d somehow always find our way back to each other.

I don’t know if that’s true anymore.

When I think about them, I don’t picture the worst parts first.

I picture Erin picking us up from school.

The pond.

Laura yelling at us to shower.

Three movies in one day.

Subway.

That turkey spaghetti.

Maddie sitting next to me through years of growing up.

That’s what they are to me first.

Everything else came later.

And I think that’s what makes losing them so different from losing almost anybody else.

They knew me before I became complicated.

And I knew them before any of us were